How NOT to write a book #9: Writing female characters

If you’re new to my blog, this is the ninth of my “How NOT to write a book” series. In my previous entries, I often begin by sarcastically saying obviously wrong or ridiculous things. I also air out some of my more humorous mistakes. I tend to end with what I actually believe to be good advice, for what it’s worth. Today, however, I’m choosing to avoid that route. Most of my blog readers are women… they’ve seen and heard worse things than I can make up from ACTUAL published authors. (Imagine paying money to read a serious love story written by a dude that thinks a woman can just decide not to have a period or moans with delight when using a tampon) Yeah. It’s not a “Poe’s Law” situation. I just doubt my lady peeps would enjoy that read. Instead, I’ll stick to the actual good advice.

First and foremost, the best advice there is for someone who ISN’T a woman to WRITE a woman in their book… TALK TO WOMEN! Before writing this, I asked a few ladies that I respect about this topic and most of them began with this simple concept. When I say this, I don’t simply mean “Call a female and ask them questions,” but I mean ask women to be involved in the proofreading and beta reading of your book. So many problems could simply be solved by a woman reading it and saying, “Dude… you know we don’t literally poop out the baby… right?”

This leads me to the next point… if you’re going to write about anatomy, GOOGLE IT FIRST! Look up how the human body works before you advertise to the world that you think they stick the pad on themselves before putting on panties. Ask Siri or Alexa how long women wear a tampon before writing that your character’s lasted a week. While we’re on body parts… women don’t seem to like it when people pretend their boobs are sentient. Just, in general, let’s not anthropomorphize body parts, okay?

I know the old adage “sex sells” but we’ve already moved past the point where there is one ideal body type for everyone. Unless the story is about a woman that is a professional model, there’s no need to make your woman have what you consider “the perfect body” with big, high, perky everything and next-to-no body fat. As a matter of fact, don’t over-focus on her appearance in the first place. Causally point out a few things about her appearance but dwelling only makes sense if, perhaps, it’s in the point of view of a creepy character… because that’s how some authors sound with their verbose boob soliloquies.

Once you have created a female that isn’t oversexualized with conscious nipples or whatever nonsense, do us all a favor and give this character a personality. Please make sure “Loves to read books” or something isn’t her only trait. Remember… you’re writing a person. You don’t have to change everything just because the character is a woman. A boy grows up wanting to be a surgeon. Guess what… girls grow up wanting to be surgeons too, AND FOR THE SAME REASONS! You don’t have to think of a “girly motive” for something so basic as grabbing a weapon, cooking a meal, or going to college.

On the topic of motivations, and I can’t say this loud enough, DO NOT MAKE YOUR FEMALE LEAD CHARACTER’S GOAL A MAN! Please, do not make everything about her goals and ambitions man-based. I’m not saying to write a role for a man, then replace every “he” with “she.” I’m saying that her father, husband, or boyfriend shouldn’t be all that her life is wrapped around. The opposite extreme is also to be avoided… you know… overdoing the whole “I hate men” or “Who needs men” thing. A woman can simply be awesome irrespective of the men in the story.

It has also come to my attention that women can actually have female friends! Women can have conversations with other women about literally anything two men can talk about. If you read through your manuscript and A: your lady character never talks to another lady character, or B: WHEN she talks to females, it’s only about men, their love interest, or conflict about a love interest… burn it. Burn your manuscript. Just… just start over.

My last point is simply that women are not a monolith. They can’t all fit in a box. Remember, "strong" doesn't mean "masculine" and "weak" doesn't mean "feminine" so you don't have to give a woman traditionally "masculine qualities" to make her seem powerful. She can use make-up, wear dresses, and like the color pink and still be strong. There are logical women that aren’t trying to BE men. There are dumb ones that act just as moronically as the dumbest guy you know, you don't have to make them blonde to spell it out. You can make a character be a housewife… but that cannot be the entirety of her character. They are people. Treat them like wide-ranging, fully developed, complicated people.

Fortunately, I’ve managed to avoid the pratfalls with LaTao. Her first dialogue with a woman is about her own accomplishments. Her first full conversation with a girl her age involves her teaching them. Though her favorite of The Nine is Dominus, a white male, the most powerful in terms of raw magical ability is Pertheon, a black presenting woman. That being said, LaTao’s goal is not to match Dominus… but to become a member of the 9 at a younger age than anyone before and then to surpass them all. If I EVER write LaTao contrary to this blog, there are several lady friends and beta readers that will beat the patriarchy out of me… and that’s why I love them! What are the dumbest things a male author ever wrote about a woman? Are there any female character tropes I missed that you loathe? Comment below!